I was originally going to call this entry, "IF GOD LOVES LIKE A HURRICANE, WHY DO I SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE A CONCRETE BUNKER INSTEAD OF A TREE?" but... it was a tad bit long and intimidating in all it's capitalized letteredness.
I am always in awe when one song, when simply read in lyric form makes me want to weep. Then I hear the music added and a voice sing it with honesty and belief that the words are true, I am swept away by it.
This is one of those songs. It was written by John Mark McMillan and sung by David Crowder*Band. It's called, "How He Loves," and if you haven't heard it, you should take a listen. If you're not a music fan, read along:
He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are
And how great Your affections are for me
And oh, how He loves us so
Oh how He loves us
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
And we are His portion and
He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And Heaven meets Earth like an unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about, the way...
It's the time of year when I typically retreat inward (okay, it's more like a person would hunker down for a hurricane if I'm honest with myself) to protect myself from the minefield of the holidays and Suckuary. It's a season when I wrestle inwardly with all that lurks in the cracks of my concrete bunker. If you only knew how often I don't want to sleep because I am scared to close my eyes and relinquish control for those few hours and the nightmares I still sometimes have.
This song overwhelms me in a way that's difficult to describe. The first time I heard, "He is jealous for me, loves like a hurricane, I am a tree," I was stunned by the notion that God is jealous for me and having lived through a major hurricane, God loving me with that much power.
Eventually, even Geraldo and Jim Cantore took shelter from the force of the hurricane winds. I remember how nearly every tree in my apartment complex (and Houston) was affected by the powerful winds of Hurricane Ike. I walked past trees shattered into pieces and found myself running my hands over the bark of trees that were able to bend and not break. This spring, those hearty trees were green with leaves again.
I protect myself because I'm afraid I'm going to shatter into splinters instead of bending beneath the weight of God's wind and mercy. My life is a hurricane already. I need more hurricane like I need more months like Suckuary. I'd rather go inside, wait out the storm, and protect myself. The thing I've realized, however, is that I emerge from my concrete bunker unchanged. I'm the same as when I went in, except I managed not to hurt as much, or rather, feel much at all.
I hate that I still wrestle with this, but I do. I was harshly reminded just a short time ago of all my damage and all my struggles and how it's just too heavy for some to even think about dealing with. I felt so ashamed that I couldn't be "normal" enough for this person for even five minutes. I felt like I'd been slapped so hard my face changed shape permanently. It was an awful feeling I hadn't experienced in years and I had spent a great amount of energy trying to make sure I didn't feel that again. All wasted.
As I sat there, overwhelmed and broken, confronted with all that I am not once again (through a certain lens anyway) I wondered how I would ever get over this hump (mountain).
I'm so grateful that God loves like a hurricane and how he loves me through the people he's brought into my life. When I was having that lowest of low moment, I was surrounded by a swarm of prayers and hugs, and there was no shortage of the Word or reminders of how much God loves me, relentlessly.
I am so thankful for my friends, especially my Bro Onions (and the Shallot) and their lovely ladies, who simply refuse to let me return to the bunker. They fight for me in ways I cannot fathom, because they see me, really see me, and though that scares the hell out of me, I'm relieved to know that "normal" isn't everything when it comes to being loved.
So, as it comes down to the season I wrestle with most, I will embrace it outside the concrete bunker. May I learn to bend and experience the overwhelming, strong and fierce love of God in all new ways.
This may involve a new form of uber-spiritual Yoga yet univented. My life is never dull.
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking...
Monday, November 09, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
THINGS I LEARNED TODAY... OR MAYBE JUST RECENTLY OR SOME TIME AGO
Things I learned today, or maybe just recently or some time ago, in no particular order:
1. A lady with the last name of Church once lived in my apartment. I'm still getting her mail. Ms. Church, if you're out there, some advertising peeps are desperate to get in touch with you.
2. I ran out of bath soap. Yes, me who has one of everything in reserve, ran out of soap.
3. My brain filter really can hold back more than I ever thought it could, even though it probably looked like I was having a seizure at the time.
4. Blondes really do have more fun but the reasons vary from blonde to blonde.
5. Sassy is as Sassy does and Sassy is free from what Sassy was. (Can I get an amen?)
6. There is so much more to me than meets the eye. Ok... so I didn't really learn that today, but I really do think someone else learned that today so I thought it was worth mentioning.
7. I balanced my checkbook and found I shouldn't subtract without a calculator after midnight in the dark. The good news is, it worked out well in my favor!
8. What I don't know could fill an ocean, but I like the view from my island and scuba diving has taken on a whole new meaning.
9. "Sweet in the Morning," by Bobby McFerrin is actually a good way to end a day.
10. Men carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Women carry it on their hips.
11. "No More Drama," by Mary J. Blige is a great song... but it gets me all riled up and makes me want to run all over town kicking drama's sorry butt in whatever form it takes. Just knowing I could will have to be enough for now because I'm all about solving issues non-violently...but sing on Mary J. Sing on.
12. I can be so busy I can hardly see straight and be completely bored simultaneously. It's an interesting sensation, and a frustrating one, too.
13. I relearn this lesson often: I can't change anyone else. The only person I can change is me, and only with God's help.
14. There are reasons, too numerous to mention, of why I'm not in charge. Of anything.
15. I can. Sometimes I just don't.
16. I am simultaneously my own best friend and my worst enemy.
16. Stubbornness can get me into trouble, but it can also get me through.
17. That "do unto others" and "love your neighbor" thing can sometimes be extremely difficult or danged near impossible.
18. No matter how many times I take in the waist of these jeans, they still find a way to slide down my hips and come to the precarious point of "not going to fall off," but "get ready to trip!"
19. I'm addicted to popcorn. I blame Orville Redenbacher and that summer I worked on a popcorn seed farm - also the place where I learned to misuse words like, "stalking."
20. I am richly blessed with friends that I love more than I can put into words.
21. I stay up too late... but I'm not kidding when I say I'm not tired right now.
22. I will one day adequately define, "Ditto-ocity." I'll let you try to figure out what that is for now.
23. I really like me. I really, really do.
24. Slowing down is different than not being in a hurry.
25. Laughter is the only medicine on which I am incapable of overdosing.
Sweet in the morning...
1. A lady with the last name of Church once lived in my apartment. I'm still getting her mail. Ms. Church, if you're out there, some advertising peeps are desperate to get in touch with you.
2. I ran out of bath soap. Yes, me who has one of everything in reserve, ran out of soap.
3. My brain filter really can hold back more than I ever thought it could, even though it probably looked like I was having a seizure at the time.
4. Blondes really do have more fun but the reasons vary from blonde to blonde.
5. Sassy is as Sassy does and Sassy is free from what Sassy was. (Can I get an amen?)
6. There is so much more to me than meets the eye. Ok... so I didn't really learn that today, but I really do think someone else learned that today so I thought it was worth mentioning.
7. I balanced my checkbook and found I shouldn't subtract without a calculator after midnight in the dark. The good news is, it worked out well in my favor!
8. What I don't know could fill an ocean, but I like the view from my island and scuba diving has taken on a whole new meaning.
9. "Sweet in the Morning," by Bobby McFerrin is actually a good way to end a day.
10. Men carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. Women carry it on their hips.
11. "No More Drama," by Mary J. Blige is a great song... but it gets me all riled up and makes me want to run all over town kicking drama's sorry butt in whatever form it takes. Just knowing I could will have to be enough for now because I'm all about solving issues non-violently...but sing on Mary J. Sing on.
12. I can be so busy I can hardly see straight and be completely bored simultaneously. It's an interesting sensation, and a frustrating one, too.
13. I relearn this lesson often: I can't change anyone else. The only person I can change is me, and only with God's help.
14. There are reasons, too numerous to mention, of why I'm not in charge. Of anything.
15. I can. Sometimes I just don't.
16. I am simultaneously my own best friend and my worst enemy.
16. Stubbornness can get me into trouble, but it can also get me through.
17. That "do unto others" and "love your neighbor" thing can sometimes be extremely difficult or danged near impossible.
18. No matter how many times I take in the waist of these jeans, they still find a way to slide down my hips and come to the precarious point of "not going to fall off," but "get ready to trip!"
19. I'm addicted to popcorn. I blame Orville Redenbacher and that summer I worked on a popcorn seed farm - also the place where I learned to misuse words like, "stalking."
20. I am richly blessed with friends that I love more than I can put into words.
21. I stay up too late... but I'm not kidding when I say I'm not tired right now.
22. I will one day adequately define, "Ditto-ocity." I'll let you try to figure out what that is for now.
23. I really like me. I really, really do.
24. Slowing down is different than not being in a hurry.
25. Laughter is the only medicine on which I am incapable of overdosing.
Sweet in the morning...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
BREATHE
Ok, so my Inner Geek is showing... I heard this song on the new Stargate Universe last night. I had no trouble finding the song on Amazon.com MP3 today because apparently my Tribe of Geeks liked the song as well.
Alexi Murdoch is an indie artist and has another CD coming out this year. I know there's not going on with this visually, but the song is amazing and I wanted you to hear it.
Alexi Murdoch is an indie artist and has another CD coming out this year. I know there's not going on with this visually, but the song is amazing and I wanted you to hear it.
Friday, October 09, 2009
MIRACLE
God always knows what I need when I need it. This song is completely awesome!
Robbie Seay Band, "Miracle"
Robbie Seay Band, "Miracle"
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
UNTITLED
I saw a glimpse of her today -
The laughing child wrapped in innocence,
The one I couldn’t protect.
How I’ve tried to love her,
to keep what’s left of her
Safe.
Out of the corner of her eye,
She saw what was to come,
And because she loves me
She will walk through the fires of hell,
For she knows that trial by flame
Will make me the woman I am today.
- Sharon R. Ziegler (9-29-09)
The laughing child wrapped in innocence,
The one I couldn’t protect.
How I’ve tried to love her,
to keep what’s left of her
Safe.
Out of the corner of her eye,
She saw what was to come,
And because she loves me
She will walk through the fires of hell,
For she knows that trial by flame
Will make me the woman I am today.
- Sharon R. Ziegler (9-29-09)
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
OR... something like that. Here goes:
1.What was the last thing you ate?
mac and cheese with spinach...and while I've been typing this, yogurt covered raisins.
2.Where was your profile picture taken?
My grandparent's house (for blog)
My bathroom (for Facebook). Like my cool shower curtain?
3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
I have not tried. I have issues with hand-eye coordination and the thought of a machine keeping track of all my mistakes and booing and scoring...would frustrate me and that's not the point of games.
4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
My whole department cracks me up. The Roach Incident provided a very laughter-filled morning. Score: Sassy 1, Roach... 3 or 4 pieces. It's his fault he came across my desk and flipped me off. It was so ON after that.
5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
about 12:30 AM... When I have a lot on my mind, I have trouble sleeping.
6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes. I'd love to live in a foreign country. I'd prefer England, but I have a long list of places I'd love to live.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
not yet
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Michelle and Garrett
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes, if they are both adults about it.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I love it when I can drink it.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Friday night.
12. Who took your profile picture?
Me (for Facebook)
My mother (for blog).
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
A bunch of Ultimate Frisbee freaks on Sunday.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
No... thank goodness today was better.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
I have and didn't kill me.
16. Are you upset about anything?
Frustrated and confused, spent, but not upset.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes. It took me a long, long time to say that.
18. Are you a bad influence?
(takes break for hearty laughter) ... not really.
19. Night out or night in?
depends... I like nights out as long as I get a break every now and then to veg out by myself.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
music and pen and paper
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
my friend Dana's mom
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"Precisely." from my friend Sharon
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
I'm in a pretty good place, but I could be better.
24. Do you hate anyone?
No. If you only knew how long it took me to get here...
25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
good friends and family
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yes, unless yogurt covered raisins are a drug. Then I'd have to go to YCR rehab because I am ADDICTED.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
One person...unfortunately I proved him wrong. I know I'm not perfect and what I cherish about my friends is how real we are with each other.
28. What song is stuck in your head?
"How He Loves," from the new David Crowder CD and "Swim," by Jack's Mannequin. Yes, I can get stuck on more than one song at a time.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
If I'm honest, I'm busted, so I'll be honest and mute.
30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 5O?
I did... but now I'd like to have kids before I'm 50.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow:
Fall asleep before then.
32. Do you think too much or too little?
I think too much about inconsequential things, and not enough about things that really matter, but I'm working on it.
33. Do you smile a lot?
Yes. Even when I feel like crying... because I'd rather choose smiling than get sucked into crying.
1.What was the last thing you ate?
mac and cheese with spinach...and while I've been typing this, yogurt covered raisins.
2.Where was your profile picture taken?
My grandparent's house (for blog)
My bathroom (for Facebook). Like my cool shower curtain?
3.Can you play Guitar Hero?
I have not tried. I have issues with hand-eye coordination and the thought of a machine keeping track of all my mistakes and booing and scoring...would frustrate me and that's not the point of games.
4.Name someone who made you laugh today?
My whole department cracks me up. The Roach Incident provided a very laughter-filled morning. Score: Sassy 1, Roach... 3 or 4 pieces. It's his fault he came across my desk and flipped me off. It was so ON after that.
5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
about 12:30 AM... When I have a lot on my mind, I have trouble sleeping.
6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes. I'd love to live in a foreign country. I'd prefer England, but I have a long list of places I'd love to live.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
not yet
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Michelle and Garrett
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Yes, if they are both adults about it.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I love it when I can drink it.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
Friday night.
12. Who took your profile picture?
Me (for Facebook)
My mother (for blog).
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
A bunch of Ultimate Frisbee freaks on Sunday.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
No... thank goodness today was better.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
I have and didn't kill me.
16. Are you upset about anything?
Frustrated and confused, spent, but not upset.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes. It took me a long, long time to say that.
18. Are you a bad influence?
(takes break for hearty laughter) ... not really.
19. Night out or night in?
depends... I like nights out as long as I get a break every now and then to veg out by myself.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
music and pen and paper
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
my friend Dana's mom
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
"Precisely." from my friend Sharon
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
I'm in a pretty good place, but I could be better.
24. Do you hate anyone?
No. If you only knew how long it took me to get here...
25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find?
good friends and family
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yes, unless yogurt covered raisins are a drug. Then I'd have to go to YCR rehab because I am ADDICTED.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
One person...unfortunately I proved him wrong. I know I'm not perfect and what I cherish about my friends is how real we are with each other.
28. What song is stuck in your head?
"How He Loves," from the new David Crowder CD and "Swim," by Jack's Mannequin. Yes, I can get stuck on more than one song at a time.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
If I'm honest, I'm busted, so I'll be honest and mute.
30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 5O?
I did... but now I'd like to have kids before I'm 50.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow:
Fall asleep before then.
32. Do you think too much or too little?
I think too much about inconsequential things, and not enough about things that really matter, but I'm working on it.
33. Do you smile a lot?
Yes. Even when I feel like crying... because I'd rather choose smiling than get sucked into crying.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU...MRS. JONES
I went to an outdoor wedding yesterday evening just outside College Station. For those of you who don't know, that's the home of the Texas A&M Aggies. Both the bride and groom are A&M grads and they found the perfect place for an outdoor wedding.
I've never seen such beauty in simplicity. The bride was absolutely stunning, much as she is every day, and the groom couldn't stop smiling (which is pretty much how he is every day, too). The ceremony was full of tender and funny moments. At one point, the groom reached over and brushed away a tear that had escaped and slid down the bride's cheek... and then the groom dropped the ring. Laughter and tears... pretty much a picture of life.
After the ceremony, we found a table out by the dance floor, and dance we did. I love dancing, though I am not remotely coordinated. Two of my little brothers two-stepped with me and of course there was dancing in groups. We laughed and danced and laughed some more. I haven't been to a reception like that in years where I so enjoyed myself surrounded by some of my favorite people on the planet.
God uses the most unlikely people and events to change me and my heart. This wedding was another example of how much life can be enjoyed and how sharing it with people who love you makes is all the more special.
I've never seen such beauty in simplicity. The bride was absolutely stunning, much as she is every day, and the groom couldn't stop smiling (which is pretty much how he is every day, too). The ceremony was full of tender and funny moments. At one point, the groom reached over and brushed away a tear that had escaped and slid down the bride's cheek... and then the groom dropped the ring. Laughter and tears... pretty much a picture of life.
After the ceremony, we found a table out by the dance floor, and dance we did. I love dancing, though I am not remotely coordinated. Two of my little brothers two-stepped with me and of course there was dancing in groups. We laughed and danced and laughed some more. I haven't been to a reception like that in years where I so enjoyed myself surrounded by some of my favorite people on the planet.
God uses the most unlikely people and events to change me and my heart. This wedding was another example of how much life can be enjoyed and how sharing it with people who love you makes is all the more special.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
JUST BECAUSE I'M FEELING RANDOM
Just because I'm feeling random and I want to give y'all a dose of TMI (too much information).
1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:12 am
2. How do you like your steak? Medium
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Transformers
4. What is your favorite TV show? at the moment...Torchwood
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? somewhere by a beautiful body of water.
6. What did you have for breakfast? a protein bar and some coffee
7. What is your favorite cuisine? TexMex
8. What foods do you dislike? Liver and onions...
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Chuy's and Guadalajara
10. Favorite dressing? Raspberry vinegrette
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 1993 Buick Century (she's a classic, like me)
12. What are your favorite clothes? jeans... (cotton is love...ha)
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Australia, Japan
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Overflowing!
15. Where would you want to retire? by the ocean
16. Favorite time of day? when the stars come out
17. Where were you born? Huntington, IN
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? n/a
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Not a clue
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Everyone
22. Bird watcher? No
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night...late, late
24. Do you have any pets? No.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I'm going to see Coldplay tomorrow night!
26. What did you want to be when you were little? an astronaut or an astronomer.
27. What is your best childhood memory? When my Grandpa showed me the ocean for the first time.
28. Are you a cat or dog person? dog
29. Are you married? No
30. Always wear your seat belt? Always! In fact, the only time I didn't, I was in an accident
31. Been in a car accident? Yes...not my fault. I drive an invisible car.
32. Any pet peeves? chain emails that promise if I don't pass them on, I will have bad luck, or that I don't love Jesus... or America... or soldiers... or...
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Canadian bacon and pineapple
34. Favorite Flower? Gerber daisy
35. Favorite ice cream? caramel dulce de leche (Haagen Daas)
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Arby's
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I aced it the first time
38. From whom did you get your last email? Ditto
39. At which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Ikea, Best Buy, Borders or Barnes & Noble
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Yes.
41. Like your job? Yes. :)
42. Broccoli? If prepared correctly...and with cheese.
43. What was your favorite vacation? When I visited California and hung out with my friend Sharon and Meg and my CA family
44. Last person you went out to lunch or dinner with? my office peeps
45. What are you listening to right now? Torchwood in the background
46. What is your favorite color(s)? Cobalt Blue and Lime Green
47. How many tattoos do you have? 1
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? nada
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 7:03 PM.
50. Coffee Drinker? oh yes!
1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:12 am
2. How do you like your steak? Medium
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Transformers
4. What is your favorite TV show? at the moment...Torchwood
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? somewhere by a beautiful body of water.
6. What did you have for breakfast? a protein bar and some coffee
7. What is your favorite cuisine? TexMex
8. What foods do you dislike? Liver and onions...
9. Favorite Place to Eat? Chuy's and Guadalajara
10. Favorite dressing? Raspberry vinegrette
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 1993 Buick Century (she's a classic, like me)
12. What are your favorite clothes? jeans... (cotton is love...ha)
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Australia, Japan
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Overflowing!
15. Where would you want to retire? by the ocean
16. Favorite time of day? when the stars come out
17. Where were you born? Huntington, IN
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Football
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? n/a
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? Not a clue
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Everyone
22. Bird watcher? No
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Night...late, late
24. Do you have any pets? No.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? I'm going to see Coldplay tomorrow night!
26. What did you want to be when you were little? an astronaut or an astronomer.
27. What is your best childhood memory? When my Grandpa showed me the ocean for the first time.
28. Are you a cat or dog person? dog
29. Are you married? No
30. Always wear your seat belt? Always! In fact, the only time I didn't, I was in an accident
31. Been in a car accident? Yes...not my fault. I drive an invisible car.
32. Any pet peeves? chain emails that promise if I don't pass them on, I will have bad luck, or that I don't love Jesus... or America... or soldiers... or...
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Canadian bacon and pineapple
34. Favorite Flower? Gerber daisy
35. Favorite ice cream? caramel dulce de leche (Haagen Daas)
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Arby's
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? I aced it the first time
38. From whom did you get your last email? Ditto
39. At which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Ikea, Best Buy, Borders or Barnes & Noble
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Yes.
41. Like your job? Yes. :)
42. Broccoli? If prepared correctly...and with cheese.
43. What was your favorite vacation? When I visited California and hung out with my friend Sharon and Meg and my CA family
44. Last person you went out to lunch or dinner with? my office peeps
45. What are you listening to right now? Torchwood in the background
46. What is your favorite color(s)? Cobalt Blue and Lime Green
47. How many tattoos do you have? 1
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? nada
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 7:03 PM.
50. Coffee Drinker? oh yes!
Monday, July 20, 2009
FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness
by Sharon R Ziegler
I thought perhaps when I
stopped feeling hot, molten lava in my gut
whenever I thought of you…
that was forgiveness.
Or when I finally
slept through the night unaided by pills and
the nightmares subsided…
that was forgiveness.
Or when I let myself
speak your name
and not choke on it as it escaped my lips…
that was forgiveness.
I don’t think it’s forgiveness
when my fingers are still
firmly gripped around your throat.
And I may never forget.
I don’t know that forgetting is possible.
But I have to let go of your throat.
Your life is not mine and mine is not yours.
Someone still sees you as redeemable
And as long as that possibility exists…
It’s not my job to be your judge and jury.
And as I let go, my fingers are sore
And your neck is bruised.
You were breathing anyway.
But now I’m free to feel something real.
by Sharon R Ziegler
I thought perhaps when I
stopped feeling hot, molten lava in my gut
whenever I thought of you…
that was forgiveness.
Or when I finally
slept through the night unaided by pills and
the nightmares subsided…
that was forgiveness.
Or when I let myself
speak your name
and not choke on it as it escaped my lips…
that was forgiveness.
I don’t think it’s forgiveness
when my fingers are still
firmly gripped around your throat.
And I may never forget.
I don’t know that forgetting is possible.
But I have to let go of your throat.
Your life is not mine and mine is not yours.
Someone still sees you as redeemable
And as long as that possibility exists…
It’s not my job to be your judge and jury.
And as I let go, my fingers are sore
And your neck is bruised.
You were breathing anyway.
But now I’m free to feel something real.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
STILL ALIVE AND KICKING
Yes, I'm still alive and kicking. With the internet troubles I've had, it just hasn't been worth trying to blog, but I'm going to brave it now for MEG who called me out on Facebook for not blogging.
I still have plenty to say...still working... but it seems I'm playing a lot more, which has been a big blessing in many ways. From this I am learning things like...you're as old as you make up your mind to be, and I've made up my mind to be young...in mind and heart and soul.
I've been taking many photos, and when my internet gets better, I'll post some pics.
I've been writing some. It's sporadic, as usual, but I have many ideas. I'm actually remembering to write some down. The poetry flows.
And tonight? Tonight I'm sitting here cross-legged on the floor of my apartment pondering many things this evening... such as (this is written just as it pops into my head):
- When am I going to get furniture to sit on?
- Where did the lead singer of Kings of Leon get that voice?
- Is it bad to like not having furniture?
- Can a person really drink too much water or is he just going through denial of going through Dr. Pepper withdrawal?
- After all I've done this week to strain my brain, why am I not tired?
- What do you call the music mix of the evening that includes Incubus, Anita Baker, Lady Antebellum, Rascal Flatts, Kings of Leon, Michael Jackson, Keith Urban and Jill Scott?
- I should really stop wearing the jeans to work that I can pull up and down without unbuttoning them because they are going to fall down in the hallway at work one of these days, I just know it. Thing is, I just bought them not that long ago. Ugh.
- I'm really starting to like Taylor Swift. Taylor, you have a 40 year old fan. There. I said it.
- Is the ground really that dry in Houston that we must run to the windows when we see a singular cloud dance by the window to see if, by chance, there might be a drop of moisture in it? YES, WE MUST. And we must photograph actual rainfall since there's been so little since our last RAIN EVENT (i.e. the day it flooded at the end of April).
- More cowbell.
- YRKM means, "You are killing me."
- Why am I so random tonight?
- A friend told me that sometimes coming in second is more worthwhile in the long run than being first all the time. I'm still pondering this.
- Apparently, at work, I'm Shirley and Laverne is my yang in California. We both Haiku and it gets a little crazy sometimes...hence the phrase, "Haiku War."
- I am surrounded by smart people and smartass people...and people who make me laugh until my stomach hurts.
- That's what I had said, Bon Qui Qui.
- I can be a real bitch sometimes.
- I can be a real friend sometimes, too.
- I could do this all night. OMG it's 11:30.
- I confess that Michael Jackson's Thriller cassette was one of a few that I sneaked (snuck?) into church camp. For those of you unfamiliar with cassettes, ask your mother.
- Singing makes me very, very happy and brings me to a place of peace unlike any other.
- I am so blessed by each of my Bro Onions. More than they know.
- Nicole Kidman is a lucky, lucky, blessed woman.
- Did I eat dinner? Yes... I ate dinner.
- New fave song of the moment: "You Bring Me Joy" - Anita Baker. Hey, it was in that mix you read about some random thoughts ago.
- Song I have sung at least four times tonight: "Run to You," by Lady Antebellum.
- Most random song of the evening, "A Friend," by the Winans.
- Song I am listening to right now: "I'll Still be Loving You," by Restless Heart.
- Song I am going to listen to before I go to bed: "Come Awake," by David Crowder and then probably "Need You Now," by Chris Tomlin.
- Bed... sounds like a great idea... since there is that whole work thing tomorrow... so, it is now 11:45 and I will sign off this post with this verse from a new favorite hymn, O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go:
O Joy that seeks me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow thru the rain,
and feel the promise is not vain,
that morn shall tearless be.
Until next time...
I still have plenty to say...still working... but it seems I'm playing a lot more, which has been a big blessing in many ways. From this I am learning things like...you're as old as you make up your mind to be, and I've made up my mind to be young...in mind and heart and soul.
I've been taking many photos, and when my internet gets better, I'll post some pics.
I've been writing some. It's sporadic, as usual, but I have many ideas. I'm actually remembering to write some down. The poetry flows.
And tonight? Tonight I'm sitting here cross-legged on the floor of my apartment pondering many things this evening... such as (this is written just as it pops into my head):
- When am I going to get furniture to sit on?
- Where did the lead singer of Kings of Leon get that voice?
- Is it bad to like not having furniture?
- Can a person really drink too much water or is he just going through denial of going through Dr. Pepper withdrawal?
- After all I've done this week to strain my brain, why am I not tired?
- What do you call the music mix of the evening that includes Incubus, Anita Baker, Lady Antebellum, Rascal Flatts, Kings of Leon, Michael Jackson, Keith Urban and Jill Scott?
- I should really stop wearing the jeans to work that I can pull up and down without unbuttoning them because they are going to fall down in the hallway at work one of these days, I just know it. Thing is, I just bought them not that long ago. Ugh.
- I'm really starting to like Taylor Swift. Taylor, you have a 40 year old fan. There. I said it.
- Is the ground really that dry in Houston that we must run to the windows when we see a singular cloud dance by the window to see if, by chance, there might be a drop of moisture in it? YES, WE MUST. And we must photograph actual rainfall since there's been so little since our last RAIN EVENT (i.e. the day it flooded at the end of April).
- More cowbell.
- YRKM means, "You are killing me."
- Why am I so random tonight?
- A friend told me that sometimes coming in second is more worthwhile in the long run than being first all the time. I'm still pondering this.
- Apparently, at work, I'm Shirley and Laverne is my yang in California. We both Haiku and it gets a little crazy sometimes...hence the phrase, "Haiku War."
- I am surrounded by smart people and smartass people...and people who make me laugh until my stomach hurts.
- That's what I had said, Bon Qui Qui.
- I can be a real bitch sometimes.
- I can be a real friend sometimes, too.
- I could do this all night. OMG it's 11:30.
- I confess that Michael Jackson's Thriller cassette was one of a few that I sneaked (snuck?) into church camp. For those of you unfamiliar with cassettes, ask your mother.
- Singing makes me very, very happy and brings me to a place of peace unlike any other.
- I am so blessed by each of my Bro Onions. More than they know.
- Nicole Kidman is a lucky, lucky, blessed woman.
- Did I eat dinner? Yes... I ate dinner.
- New fave song of the moment: "You Bring Me Joy" - Anita Baker. Hey, it was in that mix you read about some random thoughts ago.
- Song I have sung at least four times tonight: "Run to You," by Lady Antebellum.
- Most random song of the evening, "A Friend," by the Winans.
- Song I am listening to right now: "I'll Still be Loving You," by Restless Heart.
- Song I am going to listen to before I go to bed: "Come Awake," by David Crowder and then probably "Need You Now," by Chris Tomlin.
- Bed... sounds like a great idea... since there is that whole work thing tomorrow... so, it is now 11:45 and I will sign off this post with this verse from a new favorite hymn, O Love That Wilt Not Let Me Go:
O Joy that seeks me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow thru the rain,
and feel the promise is not vain,
that morn shall tearless be.
Until next time...
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